What I mean by ‘actualization’ and ‘becoming’
I will preface this post with what is meant by actualization, and by becoming.
The widely-accepted definition of Self-Actualization is the idea of completion of one’s goals to the point of complete self-autonomy; the completion of an individual. An individual singular actualization, however, is simply a goal that is being pursued to become progressively more complete, as opposed to the act of Self-Actualization, which is completion itself. An actualization is a purpose or goal that drives you to better yourself as a person; a goal that, when pursued, brings you to become more Self-Actualized.
Becoming is the process of pursuing an individual actualization; the progression toward self-actualization. The process can’t be considered self-actualization in and of itself, because self-actualization is completion of the individual, not the progression toward completion. Actualization is the goal, becoming is the drive toward that goal. The act of becoming is having become; the process of becoming is the progression toward the act.
The act of becoming
Most everyone is in the process of becoming, stumbling from one makeshift actualization to the next, regardless of how correct. (Makeshift does not inherently mean incorrect, so much so as it means simply a hodgepodge of various intentions. Most actualizations are not extensively deliberated; I know that from experience.) I find myself gravitating away from the idea of progressive actualization. You are perfect or you are not; therefore, the act of becoming is a binary. The process itself is not binary, but the act is; you have become or you have not become. You can become progressively more actualized, but not progressively actualized in and of itself. The process of becoming is progressive, the achieved act of actualization, of having become, is binary.
An actualization is a goal or pursuit that, when pursued, leads a person to become more Self-Actualized. Which necessitates the anti-actualization: a goal or pursuit that, when pursued, leads a person to become less Self-Actualized.
Consciousness is not of the system
Emergence. Perception is a byproduct of systems of the body. Awareness is a byproduct of perception. Consciousness is a byproduct of awareness. Consciousness is not part of the system; it is an emergent property of the system; it is an interface between systems. Awareness is part of the system. Ghosts in the machine. Consciousness is the interface between awareness with awareness; canonical awareness permits consciousness, non-canonical awareness permits expansion of consciousness. Consciousness is not of the system.
Depersonalization. The lack of any extant perception (or potentially reality) of self. It can be argued that the self is the aggregate of experiences, and to a lesser degree genetic predispositions. Conversely, it can be argued that the self is an aggregate of genetic predispositions, and to a lesser degree experiences. Maybe there’s more (or less) to the self; tabulam rosae, that sort of thing.
The self is innate; it is possessed on a fundamental level; it is canonical (universal), but it is variable. This is a necessary assumption; this is not reasonably disputable.
I find myself wondering more and more whether the self is like actualization, a binary, or if the self is a spectrum. Does it develop in progressively or does it simply shift? Is the act of developing the self similar to the act of progressively developing toward actualization? (I am not referring to childhood development; I am referring to the developed adult.)
The ‘self’ without an actualization atrophies into a slurry
I read that the body atrophies every inch of musculature that it does not use, the suspended musculature just metabolizes.
The perception of self versus reality of self. I imagine the self as a semi-solid aggregate mass, like a loosely-packed snowball or something of the sort. Without any sense of actualization, without some semblance of purpose to fumble toward or pursue with deliberation (objectively correct or otherwise), the self-aggregate loses cohesion. It atrophies. The semisolid becomes a slurry.
Does it stagnate only to be later reconstituted, or does it fall apart entirely?
Something interesting that I have observed in my own life — as well as in those around me — is that anti-actualization does not typically cause the self-aggregate to lose cohesion; it simply causes a person to degrade. Therefore, it is not the progression toward actualization that causes the self to remain cohesive. Though anti-actualization can and does cause degradation of the self and of the ego. I won’t write about the effects of anti-actualization in this post, as it is something that I have yet to properly process.
Reconstitution in this context means to turn the slurried self back into something cohesive.
If you become an anti-actualization, the self will regress from a former state of progressively-higher Self-Actualization. This is not the only form of degeneration; non-becoming and non-actualization (the development of the self-aggregate into a slurry) causes degeneration, but not regression; what is there to regress to?
Active reconstitution: choosing something (an ideal, a goal, a moral absolute, etc.) to actualize, and pursuing it.
Inactive reconstitution in this context means non-deliberated (unaware) actualization. This is a subset of reconstitution, I put it in its own category for this post because I have a lot to say on the topic.
Emergence necessitates the subconscious. The subconscious can have actualizations independent of the conscious. Intuition. “I like this art. It makes me feel such and so emotions.”; “I have these feelings.”; “I am attracted to this individual.”; “My intuition says this.”, etc. Intuition is the prime example of unaware actualization. You feel, you react. Modify your experience and circumstance based on non-deliberated intuitive preference. “This clothing suits me today.”; “I get a bad feeling around this person.”, etc. The emotional instincts that you can’t put your finger on. These instincts, this intuition, can come together to form subconscious goals; ideals; actualizations. This can reconstitute the self to some degree; not to the extent than a deliberated constitution could, but progress toward regaining cohesion is progress still.
Your subconscious controls more of your behavior than deliberation does; however, deliberation can shape the subconscious. “I want to wear more black”; “I have such and so opinions about such and so”. The deliberation leads to the intuition; a liking of black clothing, a distaste for certain ideology. The question, though, is whether the deliberation is a product of the subconscious itself; could a non-perceptual or non-aware intuition have created the deliberation, which then makes the pre-existing intuition perceptual and aware? Cyclical reinforcement. That being said, a deliberation against a pattern of behavior in yourself is a battle against the subconscious inclinations, unless your subconscious inclinations were already in conflict before the deliberated effort. Food for thought.
My struggle with reconstitution
I went a long time without an actualization, and I still don’t really have one. For the longest time my chosen actualization was art and music, but my medication took nearly the entirety of my artistic drive away from me, as well as much of my intuition, both of which I relied on heavily.
I lost constitution; my self-aggregate started to lose cohesion. My actualization was gone, and I couldn’t find a proper one to replace it. I don’t have a career to make an actualization out of, and I could hardly make my dish-washing job into something to make me progressively more Self-Actualized.
I’m not going to go about making an actualization out of something unworthy of being actualized.
Reconstitute. Reconstitute. Reconstitute. This has been a mantra of mine for quite some time. I have nothing to actualize. I don’t know how to reconstitute. I feel my self fraying at the seams, turning into a slurry.
(This is all unrelated to the above; this is just actual blog-esque stuff. Rambling about myself, that sort of thing.)
Radial drift is coming along nicely. Not as well as I would like it to, though. I waste too much time on things with less mental friction. Path of least resistance, that sort of thing. Watching YouTube, reading fiction, playing a video game or two with friends. I’d like to take some time every day to work on it, but I have never, ever, ever been able to achieve consistency with any of my projects. I’ll write in an absolute frenzy for a day or two, churning out a few thousand words a day, and then not work on it at all for weeks or months. I cut some stuff from the first draft and plan to cut more. Some of the darker stuff in the draft just doesn’t sit well with me. Maybe it’ll still go there, but not so quickly. We will see how the project evolves. I can do all the planning in the world, but it still evolves as I’m writing. Scenes get thrown in that weren’t in the outline, and scenes in the outline end up not working out. It evolves on its own. Emergence. Right now I’m sitting at ~23,000 words. Which isn’t great, but it’s ~6,000 words closer to my target. I might surpass my target, or I might not. We will see.
I’ve been falling behind on my reading goals. I’ve been wanting to read my age in books by my birthday, but I’m not even halfway there and my birthday is in four months. Again, it looks more like frenzic bursts and then weeks or months of inactivity. I’d like to get through Les Mis, but there’s reason that it’s known as The Brick.
I’d had Linux installed on all three of my hard drives (except the one sitting in a drawer), but I regressed to Windows on my new 500GB SSD so that I can play Overwatch without having to jump through a million hoops to get it to run on my system. My personal computer that hafall my files was still running Linux until about a week and a half ago, and it’s what I use for most everything. Linux is superior, but in all honesty I just need the compatibility. I need to go about upgrading the RAM for it, though. Linux is the superior operating system by every metric. It’s sexy. It’s wildly more secure, to the extent that you will never need an antivirus. It’s wildly more customizable (especially if you’re running Arch. I run Mint and it’s still really customizable.) I had both my hard drive and home folder encrypted. It uses up a LOT less RAM and storage, while still performing essentially the exact same. Windows is the most inferior operating system on the planet. Mac might debatably be the best, but I’m not fond of Apple over-engineering every product to be impossible to maintain without spending an obscene amount of money on a certified technician, not to mention that everything is closed-source and they deliberately downgrade their OS every so many years to get you to buy new products. Pretty scummy, but Microsoft is no less scummy.
The laptop broke. I dropped it three feet onto a soft surface and the screen is dead. It turns on and works if plugged into a monitor. I tore it apart to get to my LCD cable and haven’t finished with the teardown. I’m hoping that the cable is loose. I really hope it’s disconnected, because then I will know what the problem is and be able to fix it with ease. If the LCD cable is fine, I tore apart my system for nothing.
My New Year’s resolution was to get my Chess ELO up to 1800. I haven’t spent much time at all on it, though. I picked up a few chess books. One of them focused exclusively on backfile mates. Which is fine, but I’m already pretty familiar with the backfile mates. Capablanca’s book walks through a bunch of not-so-obvious principles and makes you break down and analyze various games via annotation. Which is nice. Once I finish this one I have one that’s worlds more advanced. Once I finish that one, I know I’ll be at least 1800, but almost definitely more. We will see how long it takes. I just need to dedicate the time, honestly. It’s the same story as with Radial Drift; path of least resistance. Too much mental friction.